Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
You Might Also Like
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I only look at Wordle for the articles
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married