Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m having an out of money experience.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.