Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You Might Also Like
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*