My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
According to math, I’m broke
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
this country is so goddamn polarized
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Cardio Made Easy
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.