once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
They’re on their honeymoon
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.