*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.