Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: