I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!