[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.