Nothing.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.