I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing