I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-