I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I have a type: disappointing
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined