WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport