I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog