Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.