Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.