[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.