Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.