try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Wait for it
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Actually cracking up @ this
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete