[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When I laugh on my period
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
liiiiiiiiike
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
LOL!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now