*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.