“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My Sentiments Exactly
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭