[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.