[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.