Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
all that yoga finally paid off
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.