Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
starting a garage orchestra
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
hackers play passwordle
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?