The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Not today. 😅
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Did a trash talking tree write this?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!