[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.