My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.