no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
you stereotypes are all alike
Perfection.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
A short story of betrayal:
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Noah
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Oh hi lol