[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Monday
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
when nothing goes right… go left
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon