That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead