SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats