Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.