Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.