What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A wise man once said nothing.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy