Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Still a very good boi….
Finally a use for spoilers…
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Truth
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose