A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
You Might Also Like
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.