We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.