Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”