Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.