My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
それは草
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house