“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets