CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
dream blunt rotation
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping