5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
You Might Also Like
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night