Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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relationship goals
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Put the is in disheveled
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….