Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.