Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.