Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You Might Also Like
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.